I have woken up, dressed, showered, poured some cereal in the bowl and sat my crazy little (actually not so little) arse down. Sorry for hibernating. I keep doing this – freaking out, finding a distraction, and running in to it with open arms. Life isn’t a romance film though, there is no daisy field to run on. So back to the point, I am sorry. I am going to try and be better – to be more focused. I hate that the focus problem is only a problem because I am sick… before this I was such a focused busy body.
I am going to do my edits today, and reply to the comments!! Sorry sorry sorry. Head down, cracking on.
NO MORE DISTRACTIONS
I only have 67 days until I depart for Aus, I have already had my first freak out. I need to not get attached to anyone properly before I go, I am only 21 and Australia will do me the world of good! I hope… no I do know it will. Well enough people have told me that for me to believe it in my states of freak.
Deep breath, refocus starting now! (Pause for dramatic effect) Okay brain has been rebooted and focusing starts now. It is time to get these edits done. It is time to get myself back on track, to stop being lazy and a classic bum. It is my time to start living again. I am fed up of being lost, waiting for something, waiting to be better, to be happy, to be able to say I am fully okay. From here on I am making it the way it should be.
I am going to pour the milk in my cereal now, eat it, then I am going to do some of these edits. Then I will get back on track with this blog and get it more up to scratch, reply to your lovely supportive comments which I am filled with guilt about due to my slow replied. What an awful blogged I am. Wait, that doesn’t sound so positive and upright any more! I am going to get back on track and fix it :)
Catch ya’ll in a bit x x x
I need to start taking better care of myself and stop being so reckless. Half worried I’m trying to make things bad again subconsciously…
Nip it in the bud. Get back on track!
THE TRUTH IS RARELY PURE AND NEVER SIMPLE.
Oscar Wilde – The Importance of Being Ernest.
That is a quote from possibly my favourite piece of writing, close to:
CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER
Lewis Carroll -Alice In Wonderland
And this one is just a quote I am rather fond of, but still from a great piece of literature:
EVEN THE DARKEST NIGHT WILL END AND THE SUN WILL RISE.
Victor Hugo – Les Misérables
I have sorted my head out.
I no longer feel all confused and messed up, lost and pathetic. I have my ‘shit‘ together again (for now, mwhahah, joking this damn better last this time) :D Go team! All I needed was a little boost, okay it was a bit of a cheeky boost, but hey ho, did the trick!
Just thought I should post a little update, I can see myself using this site more for casual updates between larger postings, I hope that is okay!!
On a side note: really, really struggling to sleep and I DON’T KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!! So annoying. I want to get some of my edits done but just don’t have the motivation. Ah well, looking on the bright side, no longer feeling controlled by the sickness – woooohoooooo.
This is something I wrote last night….
I sit here listening to soppy half aggressive love songs with lyrics such as “see the flames inside my eyes” crying those eyes out with no control. I have lost it; I have lost my balance that I just spent the past sixteen months trying to achieve. Here I sit drinking in bed scared to move, tipping over the edge of sanity. My silly brain is sending me messages of where the scissors are in my room, the penknife in my bedside draw. Why won’t this sickness just leave me? Why am I just not allowed to be better? What have I done to deserve all of this pain and confusion? Why just why!
I am now terrified of my travels that I was previously ecstatic for. It is not fair. Self-pity is washing through me. As you can tell.
I wish I could write songs, intense short moments of exposing my pain and being free of it. I feel like writing my story is a lullaby-luscious song, I just cannot be as free from it as quickly as I could if I wrote a song instead. Although there is that big issue with the fact that I cannot sing. Fuck
my life. Seriously just fuck it right now.
I need to get these edits done.
They are constantly on my mind like an annoying fly that you just can’t swoosh out of the room or hit with the freezing weapon that is hair spray.
I have been away for a long weekend of debauchery – it would be a lie to say I was not jaded right now. I feel like I need to be wrapped in blanket of hugs and for someone to tell me that I am pretty as they stroke my hair and feed me crispy bacon nomm. Yes it is one of those afternoons. I have 118 days until I leave the Country!!!!!!!!!! Not long now, not long to get these edits done.
It just feels like SUCH a BIG TASK!
I guess I am worried that:
1. I won’t be able to do what my editor wants me to do!
2. It won’t ever be as good as I want it to be!
3.That it will never actually have a finish point!
I need to stop thinking about it and do it… Agh it just isn’t going to be a fun task, boo to edits. Boo, boo, boo. Down to the depths with you please. Could someone just do it for me? Not that I would actually let anyone else do the edits to my story! I need to find an inner strength from somewhere – new motivation.
This week is therefore going to be my Motivation Hunting week. If you know a good place to start looking please let me know, just don’t say the bottom of a bottle as I really don’t think I could handle drinking just yet for a few more days.
MOTIVATION. MOTIVATION. MOTIVATION.