Those of you who followed my blog before I deleted it and restarted it will know about a guy who I was seeing for a mere few weeks before he jetted off around the world travelling. I was infatuatedwith the boy, when he left I was devastated. Cry in his jumper on my bed for hours, smelling it like a crazy lady. What a mess!
Well he has returned and to be honest with you it is a bit of a head fuck – excuse my French. I don’t think I see him like that any more, he has been gone for six months now and we have both been with other people. I have seen him twice since he has returned and things are just not quiet the same. That joyous click isn’t there. Which is a shame, but also probably a good thing seeing as he is off again in a Month and I am off in four to Australia. Saying that I think we will both end up down under anyway…
In my head I just want to be friends with him, I know it is the right thing to do. But for some reason my brain isn’t connecting that and cutting off the confusion. I DON’T KNOW WHY!It is really, really… really!annoying.
Only a few boys have messed my head up like this and he is one of them for sure. I don’t want to have that with him any more, but I think the memory of how good it was before he left is hard to shift. We both feel the same, it is different now. But I don’t understand if that is the case why it is floating around in my head so much and confusing me. I am usually very logical about these things.
I hate how much he confuses me, how much he is confused, how much worse it makes my sickness, I hate how my brain won’t just detach from the confusion. I don’t understand why this is causing me such a head fuck:/ excuse my French.
I feel like punchingsomething, wailing hysterically, or doing something recklesswith how much confusion this has created over something that in my head should be simple:
I know we should be friends.
I know things are nothing like they are before.
I know we are both going away again.
I know neither of us feel how we did before.
SO WHY WON’T MY BRAIN ACCEPT THIS. HATING THE HEAD FUCKING RIGHT NOW BIG TIME.
They are constantly on my mind like an annoying fly that you just can’t swoosh out of the room or hit with the freezing weapon that is hair spray.
I have been away for a long weekend of debauchery – it would be a lie to say I was not jaded right now. I feel like I need to be wrapped in blanket of hugs and for someone to tell me that I am pretty as they stroke my hair and feed me crispy baconnomm. Yes it is one of those afternoons. I have 118days until I leave the Country!!!!!!!!!! Not long now, not long to get these edits done.
It just feels like SUCH a BIG TASK!
I guess I am worried that:
1. I won’t be able to do what my editor wants me to do!
2. It won’t ever be as good as I want it to be!
3.That it will never actually have a finish point!
I need to stop thinking about it and do it… Agh it just isn’t going to be a fun task, boo to edits. Boo, boo, boo. Down to the depths with you please. Could someone just do it for me? Not that I would actually let anyone else do the edits to my story! I need to find an inner strength from somewhere – new motivation.
This week is therefore going to be my Motivation Hunting week. If you know a good place to start looking please let me know, just don’t say the bottom of a bottle as I really don’t think I could handle drinking just yet for a few more days.
I checked the small cracked mirror in my car to tidy my hair around my face before I left the comfort of my car. The car I would soon sell on to pay for my travelling. I stroked the steering wheel fondly before departing. I crossed the pavement to the front of the shop. The charity shop. The shop that I would learn to work again in. The place that would become my gym… building me back up to fight the normal world again.
Work a 2 hour shift a week and not get tired
Work two 2 hour shifts a week and not get tired
Work a 4 hour shift a week and not get tired
Work two 4 hour shifts a week and not get tired
Best outcome: look for a part-time job within a month
Worst outcome: I get sicker again, I go back in to my sick-bed state of hibernation.
I have to PACE MYSELF!The words of my therapist echoed in my ear.
I could do this.
I could totally do this.
I was nervous I can’t lie about that. But I was also excited. I knew that I could do it. And I did. I managed those two hours just about okay, so what if I had to come home and nap for a couple of hours. I have also been fighting a kidney infection, been on my period, and had 4 days straight of looking after a puppy – so no wonder I am tired.
I need this to work. I want to be well enough to go travelling – the sooner I get away from the surroundings that only remind me of my aliments the better. My travel plans are my escape route from my mentally ill riddled brain. What a nice thing to be able to escape. Or at least be able to breathe with. Where I am it is too compressing to be this sick.
I feel like I understand my sickness now more than I ever have done. I am no longer lost (well as lost). Those urges that scared the hell out of me have been fading away, the pop up, just like an annoying advert that should have stopped airing months ago! Now when they decided to say howdy-do, I can manage it better. The darker days are lessening. Feel like after that line I should say something Lord of the Rings ish such as; the darker days are lessening, soon it will be time for the days of the light to take full reign again. Don’t worry – I do not think for one second that all my woes will evaporate when I jet off to the other side of the world in November.
But for now, I will carry on at the charity shop. Carrying on my newly paved path to recovery and rebuild. Here’s hoping, touch wood, cross my chest, send a pray etc etc. You get my drift :)