They are constantly on my mind like an annoying fly that you just can’t swoosh out of the room or hit with the freezing weapon that is hair spray.
I have been away for a long weekend of debauchery – it would be a lie to say I was not jaded right now. I feel like I need to be wrapped in blanket of hugs and for someone to tell me that I am pretty as they stroke my hair and feed me crispy baconnomm. Yes it is one of those afternoons. I have 118days until I leave the Country!!!!!!!!!! Not long now, not long to get these edits done.
It just feels like SUCH a BIG TASK!
I guess I am worried that:
1. I won’t be able to do what my editor wants me to do!
2. It won’t ever be as good as I want it to be!
3.That it will never actually have a finish point!
I need to stop thinking about it and do it… Agh it just isn’t going to be a fun task, boo to edits. Boo, boo, boo. Down to the depths with you please. Could someone just do it for me? Not that I would actually let anyone else do the edits to my story! I need to find an inner strength from somewhere – new motivation.
This week is therefore going to be my Motivation Hunting week. If you know a good place to start looking please let me know, just don’t say the bottom of a bottle as I really don’t think I could handle drinking just yet for a few more days.
I checked the small cracked mirror in my car to tidy my hair around my face before I left the comfort of my car. The car I would soon sell on to pay for my travelling. I stroked the steering wheel fondly before departing. I crossed the pavement to the front of the shop. The charity shop. The shop that I would learn to work again in. The place that would become my gym… building me back up to fight the normal world again.
Work a 2 hour shift a week and not get tired
Work two 2 hour shifts a week and not get tired
Work a 4 hour shift a week and not get tired
Work two 4 hour shifts a week and not get tired
Best outcome: look for a part-time job within a month
Worst outcome: I get sicker again, I go back in to my sick-bed state of hibernation.
I have to PACE MYSELF!The words of my therapist echoed in my ear.
I could do this.
I could totally do this.
I was nervous I can’t lie about that. But I was also excited. I knew that I could do it. And I did. I managed those two hours just about okay, so what if I had to come home and nap for a couple of hours. I have also been fighting a kidney infection, been on my period, and had 4 days straight of looking after a puppy – so no wonder I am tired.
I need this to work. I want to be well enough to go travelling – the sooner I get away from the surroundings that only remind me of my aliments the better. My travel plans are my escape route from my mentally ill riddled brain. What a nice thing to be able to escape. Or at least be able to breathe with. Where I am it is too compressing to be this sick.
I feel like I understand my sickness now more than I ever have done. I am no longer lost (well as lost). Those urges that scared the hell out of me have been fading away, the pop up, just like an annoying advert that should have stopped airing months ago! Now when they decided to say howdy-do, I can manage it better. The darker days are lessening. Feel like after that line I should say something Lord of the Rings ish such as; the darker days are lessening, soon it will be time for the days of the light to take full reign again. Don’t worry – I do not think for one second that all my woes will evaporate when I jet off to the other side of the world in November.
But for now, I will carry on at the charity shop. Carrying on my newly paved path to recovery and rebuild. Here’s hoping, touch wood, cross my chest, send a pray etc etc. You get my drift :)