I have sorted my head out.
I no longer feel all confused and messed up, lost and pathetic. I have my ‘shit‘ together again (for now, mwhahah, joking this damn better last this time) :D Go team! All I needed was a little boost, okay it was a bit of a cheeky boost, but hey ho, did the trick!
Just thought I should post a little update, I can see myself using this site more for casual updates between larger postings, I hope that is okay!!
On a side note: really, really struggling to sleep and I DON’T KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!! So annoying. I want to get some of my edits done but just don’t have the motivation. Ah well, looking on the bright side, no longer feeling controlled by the sickness – woooohoooooo.
Those of you who followed my blog before I deleted it and restarted it will know about a guy who I was seeing for a mere few weeks before he jetted off around the world travelling. I was infatuated with the boy, when he left I was devastated. Cry in his jumper on my bed for hours, smelling it like a crazy lady. What a mess!
Well he has returned and to be honest with you it is a bit of a head fuck – excuse my French. I don’t think I see him like that any more, he has been gone for six months now and we have both been with other people. I have seen him twice since he has returned and things are just not quiet the same. That joyous click isn’t there. Which is a shame, but also probably a good thing seeing as he is off again in a Month and I am off in four to Australia. Saying that I think we will both end up down under anyway…
In my head I just want to be friends with him, I know it is the right thing to do. But for some reason my brain isn’t connecting that and cutting off the confusion. I DON’T KNOW WHY! It is really, really… really! annoying.
Only a few boys have messed my head up like this and he is one of them for sure. I don’t want to have that with him any more, but I think the memory of how good it was before he left is hard to shift. We both feel the same, it is different now. But I don’t understand if that is the case why it is floating around in my head so much and confusing me. I am usually very logical about these things.
I hate how much he confuses me, how much he is confused, how much worse it makes my sickness, I hate how my brain won’t just detach from the confusion. I don’t understand why this is causing me such a head fuck :/ excuse my French.
I feel like punching something, wailing hysterically, or doing something reckless with how much confusion this has created over something that in my head should be simple:
I know we should be friends.
I know things are nothing like they are before.
I know we are both going away again.
I know neither of us feel how we did before.
SO WHY WON’T MY BRAIN ACCEPT THIS. HATING THE HEAD FUCKING RIGHT NOW BIG TIME.
For those of you that followed my blog before, well you know that I have an ever so slightly, (cough cough), weird and altered relationship with sex. SEX SEX SEX. Even typing those words makes a girl feel a little good inside; far, deep, down inside – sorry I couldn’t resist the pun.
I have had some pretty crap experiences. Hasn’t everyone though I hear you say? Yes they have, but my level of crap I don’t think is quiet so common. Never the less, I LOVE sex. The overwhelming feeling of lust and hungry warmth rushing through your body is undeniably addictive. I am a sex addict. And… you know what? I don’t care. (Not a diagnosed sex addicted by the way, I am no Tiger Woods. I have urges that are hard to managed when they are not fulfilled. So I guess I am a Tiger Woods in a minor minor teeny tiny form, minuscule.)
It was only recently that I realised not everyone enjoys normal sex… some of my friends are just put off of sex because of shitty fucks and poor performing pricks. A girl friend of mine, who is referred to as Sophie in my book-to-be has recently lost her V plates. She broke down the barrier and is now getting on the sex hype bandwagon. Her love of the new sport is shown by her compliance to find completion even with a kidney infection – what a trooper! Yet one of our other close friends who has been having sex for the past 3 years just seems totally disinterested in the whole act. The last time she was kissed was before Christmas!!!
I know that everyone has differing libido’s. However, the variation just seems ridiculous. This taboo subject (which thankfully is becoming less tabooy) feels in large, unexplored. How comes some people can squirt, how comes some people can’t come at all? How come some guys are good to go after a ten minuet rest period and others are good for a day or two?
Sex has always fascinated me, I guess because it has a hold on me.
I know that this post touches upon crude subjects than I usually talk about. But I need to start being a bit more open about it all, and stop holding back as I don’t at all in my book. It is full on with everything. Which I guess is why it was so cathartic. I am going to be finishing the book edits soon, and then after that I am going to upload a few taster chapters to get your opinions. Your reviews and criticisms. No more being scared of the opinions.
So from here until the books release I am going to start peeling back that little layer that I keep all covered up in fear of the Judge’s slamming down those wooden hammers, peering over their high and mighty desks to point a finger at ashamed little young me.