Pills, drops, lotions, and dissolvers.

I forgot to take my happy pills today and I can feel the difference. I am out now until late so just going to crack on with it. It isn’t bad, just feel more blar than usual.

happy_pills

My morning daily dose:

1 x big multi vit

2 x krill tablets

2 x garlic tablets

2 x probiotics

1 x 5-hTP

1 x selenium drop

No western medicine  or anything like that – just stuff to keep my levels as high as the normal persons should be.  Don’t worry I am not going crazy(ier) and over doing it with hanging herbs and witchcraft-like potions!

I need to start working out soon which ones I will be taking travelling with me (woop woop) the 5-HTP for sure!!!!

I swear by that one, if you haven’t tried it give it a go. Nom nom nom, happy pills.

Hibernation

I have woken up, dressed, showered, poured some cereal in the bowl and sat my crazy little (actually not so little) arse down. Sorry for hibernating. I keep doing this – freaking out, finding a distraction, and running in to it with open arms. Life isn’t a romance film though, there is no daisy field to run on. So back to the point, I am sorry. I am going to try and be better – to be more focused. I hate that the focus problem is only a problem because I am sick… before this I was such a focused busy body

I am going to do my edits today, and reply to the comments!! Sorry sorry sorry. Head down, cracking on. 

 

NO MORE DISTRACTIONS

 

I only have 67 days until I depart for Aus, I have already had my first freak out. I need to not get attached to anyone properly before I go, I am only 21 and Australia will do me the world of good! I hope… no I do know it will. Well enough people have told me that for me to believe it in my states of freak

Deep breath, refocus starting now! (Pause for dramatic effect) Okay brain has been rebooted and focusing starts now. It is time to get these edits done. It is time to get myself back on track, to stop being lazy and a classic bum. It is my time to start living again. I am fed up of being lost, waiting for something, waiting to be better, to be happy, to be able to say I am fully okay. From here on I am making it the way it should be. 

I am going to pour the milk in my cereal now, eat it, then I am going to do some of these edits. Then I will get back on track with this blog and get it more up to scratch, reply to your lovely supportive comments which I am filled with guilt about due to my slow replied. What an awful blogged I am. Wait, that doesn’t sound so positive and upright any more! I am going to get back on track and fix it :) 

Catch ya’ll in a bit x x x

A Bit Of My Life Right Now.

Signs and symbols of musicThis is something I wrote last night….

I sit here listening to soppy half aggressive love songs with lyrics such as “see the flames inside my eyes” crying those eyes out with no control.  I have lost it; I have lost my balance that I just spent the past sixteen months trying to achieve.  Here I sit drinking in bed scared to move, tipping over the edge of sanity.  My silly brain is sending me messages of where the scissors are in my room, the penknife in my bedside draw.  Why won’t this sickness just leave me?  Why am I just not allowed to be better?  What have I done to deserve all of this pain and confusion?  Why just why!

I am now terrified of my travels that I was previously ecstatic for.  It is not fair.  Self-pity is washing through me.  As you can tell.

I wish I could write songs, intense short moments of exposing my pain and being free of it.  I feel like writing my story is a lullaby-luscious song, I just cannot be as free from it as quickly as I could if I wrote a song instead.  Although there is that big issue with the fact that I cannot sing.  Fuck
my life.  Seriously just fuck it right now.

Head Fuck

Those of you who followed my blog before I deleted it and restarted it will know about a guy who I was seeing for a mere few weeks before he jetted off around the world travelling. I was infatuated with the boy, when he left I was devastated. Cry in his jumper on my bed for hours, smelling it like a crazy lady. What a mess!

Well he has returned and  to be honest with you it is a bit of  a head fuck – excuse my French. I don’t think I see him like that any more, he has been gone for six months now and we have both been with other people. I have seen him twice since he has returned and things are just not quiet the same. That joyous click isn’t there. Which is a shame, but also probably a good thing seeing as he is off again in a Month and I am off in four to Australia. Saying that I think we will both end up down under anyway…

In my head I just want to be friends with him, I know it is the right thing to do. But for some reason my brain isn’t connecting that and cutting off the confusion. I DON’T KNOW WHY! It is really, really… really! annoying.

Only a few boys have messed my head up like this and he is one of them for sure. I don’t want to have that with him any more, but I think the memory of how good it was before he left is hard to shift. We both feel the same, it is different now. But I don’t understand if that is the case why it is floating around in my head so much and confusing me. I am usually very logical about these things.

I hate how much he confuses me, how much he is confused, how much worse it makes my sickness, I hate how my brain won’t just detach from the confusion. I don’t understand why this is causing me such a head fuck :/ excuse my French.

I feel like punching something, wailing hysterically, or doing something reckless with how much confusion this has created over something that in my head should be simple:

I know we should be friends.
I know things are nothing like they are before.
I know we are both going away again.
I know neither of us feel how we did before.

SO WHY WON’T MY BRAIN ACCEPT THIS. HATING THE HEAD FUCKING RIGHT NOW BIG TIME. 

Motivation Week and Edits

I need to get these edits done.

They are constantly on my mind like an annoying fly that you just can’t swoosh out of the room or hit with the freezing weapon that is hair spray.

I have been away for a long weekend of debauchery – it would be a lie to say I was not jaded right now. I feel like I need to be wrapped in blanket of hugs and for someone to tell me that I am pretty as they stroke my hair and feed me crispy bacon nomm. Yes it is one of those afternoons. I have 118 days until I leave the Country!!!!!!!!!! Not long now, not long to get these edits done.

It just feels like SUCH a BIG TASK!

I guess I am worried that:
1. I won’t be able to do what my editor wants me to do!
2. It won’t ever be as good as I want it to be!
3.That it will never actually have a finish point!

I need to stop thinking about it and do it… Agh it just isn’t going to be a fun task, boo to edits. Boo, boo, boo. Down to the depths with you please. Could someone just do it for me? Not that I would actually let anyone else do the edits to my story! I need to find an inner strength from somewhere – new motivation.

This week is therefore going to be my Motivation Hunting week. If you know a good place to start looking please let me know, just don’t say the bottom of a bottle as I really don’t think I could handle drinking just yet for a few more days.

MOTIVATION. MOTIVATION. MOTIVATION.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men, couldn’t put Humpty together again

Humpty dumpty falling of the wall

Almost three years on from my attack and still he has this hold over me.

I thought that I had dealt with it, I thought that I had convinced myself that he no longer thinks of me, feels for me, or could even acknowledge me. If he felt nothing for me, why would he pay me any attention to hurt me again – this was my logic.

I guess I was wrong. 

He has moved on publicly, with a new girl friend who seems nice, kind, and cute. I guess I always knew it was a front, but then it felt like I was bigging up my importance in his life by thinking that.  Therefore I removed the idea from my brain in fear of self obsession.

But, I guess I was right.

He found a route to me, he lashed out, and all of my defences came tumbling down.  All the therapy in the world, all the pills and potions, remedies and theories, could not make me fully defended again. I felt once again like that manipulated teenager, confidence eroded and the need to please, to be accepted, taking control.

It scares me to think of what he made me. 

Visualize yourself not falling off the wall

Just like the expectation of the next wave to crash behind your legs, I know my attacker will return. Time and time again. I have given up believing the people who say he will probably just ignore you next time he sees you, he is being childish, try not to think about it.  Those people do not know our story.  They do not know the lashings of hateful words were lashings on my body.  They do not know the cutting comments where him cutting his way in to me.  They do not know that he will NEVER stop.

I will always be that girl to him. The one that reminds him of everything, his first serious girl friend, his first ‘love’.We share friends, we share neighbourhoods, we share the local super market. There is no escape from him here.

This is why I am going away.
I need to get away from here, from him, from the memories. 

UK………………………………to………………………………AUS

Rant over. No more.
I fear more than death itself that I will sink back in to the murky miserable depths of my sickness. I can not go back there. I can not do it. The past year and a half have been the worst in my life and I WILL NOT live through them again.

One Of My Favourite Books

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