Head Fuck

Those of you who followed my blog before I deleted it and restarted it will know about a guy who I was seeing for a mere few weeks before he jetted off around the world travelling. I was infatuated with the boy, when he left I was devastated. Cry in his jumper on my bed for hours, smelling it like a crazy lady. What a mess!

Well he has returned and  to be honest with you it is a bit of  a head fuck – excuse my French. I don’t think I see him like that any more, he has been gone for six months now and we have both been with other people. I have seen him twice since he has returned and things are just not quiet the same. That joyous click isn’t there. Which is a shame, but also probably a good thing seeing as he is off again in a Month and I am off in four to Australia. Saying that I think we will both end up down under anyway…

In my head I just want to be friends with him, I know it is the right thing to do. But for some reason my brain isn’t connecting that and cutting off the confusion. I DON’T KNOW WHY! It is really, really… really! annoying.

Only a few boys have messed my head up like this and he is one of them for sure. I don’t want to have that with him any more, but I think the memory of how good it was before he left is hard to shift. We both feel the same, it is different now. But I don’t understand if that is the case why it is floating around in my head so much and confusing me. I am usually very logical about these things.

I hate how much he confuses me, how much he is confused, how much worse it makes my sickness, I hate how my brain won’t just detach from the confusion. I don’t understand why this is causing me such a head fuck :/ excuse my French.

I feel like punching something, wailing hysterically, or doing something reckless with how much confusion this has created over something that in my head should be simple:

I know we should be friends.
I know things are nothing like they are before.
I know we are both going away again.
I know neither of us feel how we did before.

SO WHY WON’T MY BRAIN ACCEPT THIS. HATING THE HEAD FUCKING RIGHT NOW BIG TIME.