Hibernation

I have woken up, dressed, showered, poured some cereal in the bowl and sat my crazy little (actually not so little) arse down. Sorry for hibernating. I keep doing this – freaking out, finding a distraction, and running in to it with open arms. Life isn’t a romance film though, there is no daisy field to run on. So back to the point, I am sorry. I am going to try and be better – to be more focused. I hate that the focus problem is only a problem because I am sick… before this I was such a focused busy body

I am going to do my edits today, and reply to the comments!! Sorry sorry sorry. Head down, cracking on. 

 

NO MORE DISTRACTIONS

 

I only have 67 days until I depart for Aus, I have already had my first freak out. I need to not get attached to anyone properly before I go, I am only 21 and Australia will do me the world of good! I hope… no I do know it will. Well enough people have told me that for me to believe it in my states of freak

Deep breath, refocus starting now! (Pause for dramatic effect) Okay brain has been rebooted and focusing starts now. It is time to get these edits done. It is time to get myself back on track, to stop being lazy and a classic bum. It is my time to start living again. I am fed up of being lost, waiting for something, waiting to be better, to be happy, to be able to say I am fully okay. From here on I am making it the way it should be. 

I am going to pour the milk in my cereal now, eat it, then I am going to do some of these edits. Then I will get back on track with this blog and get it more up to scratch, reply to your lovely supportive comments which I am filled with guilt about due to my slow replied. What an awful blogged I am. Wait, that doesn’t sound so positive and upright any more! I am going to get back on track and fix it :) 

Catch ya’ll in a bit x x x

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men, couldn’t put Humpty together again

Humpty dumpty falling of the wall

Almost three years on from my attack and still he has this hold over me.

I thought that I had dealt with it, I thought that I had convinced myself that he no longer thinks of me, feels for me, or could even acknowledge me. If he felt nothing for me, why would he pay me any attention to hurt me again – this was my logic.

I guess I was wrong. 

He has moved on publicly, with a new girl friend who seems nice, kind, and cute. I guess I always knew it was a front, but then it felt like I was bigging up my importance in his life by thinking that.  Therefore I removed the idea from my brain in fear of self obsession.

But, I guess I was right.

He found a route to me, he lashed out, and all of my defences came tumbling down.  All the therapy in the world, all the pills and potions, remedies and theories, could not make me fully defended again. I felt once again like that manipulated teenager, confidence eroded and the need to please, to be accepted, taking control.

It scares me to think of what he made me. 

Visualize yourself not falling off the wall

Just like the expectation of the next wave to crash behind your legs, I know my attacker will return. Time and time again. I have given up believing the people who say he will probably just ignore you next time he sees you, he is being childish, try not to think about it.  Those people do not know our story.  They do not know the lashings of hateful words were lashings on my body.  They do not know the cutting comments where him cutting his way in to me.  They do not know that he will NEVER stop.

I will always be that girl to him. The one that reminds him of everything, his first serious girl friend, his first ‘love’.We share friends, we share neighbourhoods, we share the local super market. There is no escape from him here.

This is why I am going away.
I need to get away from here, from him, from the memories. 

UK………………………………to………………………………AUS

Rant over. No more.
I fear more than death itself that I will sink back in to the murky miserable depths of my sickness. I can not go back there. I can not do it. The past year and a half have been the worst in my life and I WILL NOT live through them again.