Almost three years on from my attack and still he has this hold over me.
I thought that I had dealt with it, I thought that I had convinced myself that he no longer thinks of me, feels for me, or could even acknowledge me. If he felt nothing for me, why would he pay me any attention to hurt me again – this was my logic.
I guess I was wrong.
He has moved on publicly, with a new girl friend who seems nice, kind, and cute. I guess I always knew it was a front, but then it felt like I was bigging up my importance in his life by thinking that. Therefore I removed the idea from my brain in fear of self obsession.
But, I guess I was right.
He found a route to me, he lashed out, and all of my defences came tumbling down. All the therapy in the world, all the pills and potions, remedies and theories, could not make me fully defended again. I felt once again like that manipulated teenager, confidence eroded and the need to please, to be accepted, taking control.
It scares me to think of what he made me.
Just like the expectation of the next wave to crash behind your legs, I know my attacker will return. Time and time again. I have given up believing the people who say he will probably just ignore you next time he sees you, he is being childish, try not to think about it. Those people do not know our story. They do not know the lashings of hateful words were lashings on my body. They do not know the cutting comments where him cutting his way in to me. They do not know that he will NEVER stop.
I will always be that girl to him. The one that reminds him of everything, his first serious girl friend, his first ‘love’.We share friends, we share neighbourhoods, we share the local super market. There is no escape from him here.
This is why I am going away.
I need to get away from here, from him, from the memories.
Rant over. No more.
I fear more than death itself that I will sink back in to the murky miserable depths of my sickness. I can not go back there. I can not do it. The past year and a half have been the worst in my life and I WILL NOT live through them again.