I forgot to take my happy pills today and I can feel the difference. I am out now until late so just going to crack on with it. It isn’t bad, just feel more blar than usual.
My morning daily dose:
1 x big multi vit
2 x krill tablets
2 x garlic tablets
2 x probiotics
1 x 5-hTP
1 x selenium drop
No western medicine or anything like that – just stuff to keep my levels as high as the normal persons should be. Don’t worry I am not going crazy(ier) and over doing it with hanging herbs and witchcraft-like potions!
I need to start working out soon which ones I will be taking travelling with me (woop woop) the 5-HTP for sure!!!!
I swear by that one, if you haven’t tried it give it a go. Nom nom nom, happy pills.
I have woken up, dressed, showered, poured some cereal in the bowl and sat my crazy little (actually not so little) arse down. Sorry for hibernating. I keep doing this – freaking out, finding a distraction, and running in to it with open arms. Life isn’t a romance film though, there is no daisy field to run on. So back to the point, I am sorry. I am going to try and be better – to be more focused. I hate that the focus problem is only a problem because I am sick… before this I was such a focused busy body.
I am going to do my edits today, and reply to the comments!! Sorry sorry sorry. Head down, cracking on.
NO MORE DISTRACTIONS
I only have 67 days until I depart for Aus, I have already had my first freak out. I need to not get attached to anyone properly before I go, I am only 21 and Australia will do me the world of good! I hope… no I do know it will. Well enough people have told me that for me to believe it in my states of freak.
Deep breath, refocus starting now! (Pause for dramatic effect) Okay brain has been rebooted and focusing starts now. It is time to get these edits done. It is time to get myself back on track, to stop being lazy and a classic bum. It is my time to start living again. I am fed up of being lost, waiting for something, waiting to be better, to be happy, to be able to say I am fully okay. From here on I am making it the way it should be.
I am going to pour the milk in my cereal now, eat it, then I am going to do some of these edits. Then I will get back on track with this blog and get it more up to scratch, reply to your lovely supportive comments which I am filled with guilt about due to my slow replied. What an awful blogged I am. Wait, that doesn’t sound so positive and upright any more! I am going to get back on track and fix it :)
Catch ya’ll in a bit x x x
I need to start taking better care of myself and stop being so reckless. Half worried I’m trying to make things bad again subconsciously…
Nip it in the bud. Get back on track!
THE TRUTH IS RARELY PURE AND NEVER SIMPLE.
Oscar Wilde – The Importance of Being Ernest.
That is a quote from possibly my favourite piece of writing, close to:
CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER
Lewis Carroll -Alice In Wonderland
And this one is just a quote I am rather fond of, but still from a great piece of literature:
EVEN THE DARKEST NIGHT WILL END AND THE SUN WILL RISE.
Victor Hugo – Les Misérables
I have sorted my head out.
I no longer feel all confused and messed up, lost and pathetic. I have my ‘shit‘ together again (for now, mwhahah, joking this damn better last this time) :D Go team! All I needed was a little boost, okay it was a bit of a cheeky boost, but hey ho, did the trick!
Just thought I should post a little update, I can see myself using this site more for casual updates between larger postings, I hope that is okay!!
On a side note: really, really struggling to sleep and I DON’T KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!! So annoying. I want to get some of my edits done but just don’t have the motivation. Ah well, looking on the bright side, no longer feeling controlled by the sickness – woooohoooooo.
This is something I wrote last night….
I sit here listening to soppy half aggressive love songs with lyrics such as “see the flames inside my eyes” crying those eyes out with no control. I have lost it; I have lost my balance that I just spent the past sixteen months trying to achieve. Here I sit drinking in bed scared to move, tipping over the edge of sanity. My silly brain is sending me messages of where the scissors are in my room, the penknife in my bedside draw. Why won’t this sickness just leave me? Why am I just not allowed to be better? What have I done to deserve all of this pain and confusion? Why just why!
I am now terrified of my travels that I was previously ecstatic for. It is not fair. Self-pity is washing through me. As you can tell.
I wish I could write songs, intense short moments of exposing my pain and being free of it. I feel like writing my story is a lullaby-luscious song, I just cannot be as free from it as quickly as I could if I wrote a song instead. Although there is that big issue with the fact that I cannot sing. Fuck
my life. Seriously just fuck it right now.
Those of you who followed my blog before I deleted it and restarted it will know about a guy who I was seeing for a mere few weeks before he jetted off around the world travelling. I was infatuated with the boy, when he left I was devastated. Cry in his jumper on my bed for hours, smelling it like a crazy lady. What a mess!
Well he has returned and to be honest with you it is a bit of a head fuck – excuse my French. I don’t think I see him like that any more, he has been gone for six months now and we have both been with other people. I have seen him twice since he has returned and things are just not quiet the same. That joyous click isn’t there. Which is a shame, but also probably a good thing seeing as he is off again in a Month and I am off in four to Australia. Saying that I think we will both end up down under anyway…
In my head I just want to be friends with him, I know it is the right thing to do. But for some reason my brain isn’t connecting that and cutting off the confusion. I DON’T KNOW WHY! It is really, really… really! annoying.
Only a few boys have messed my head up like this and he is one of them for sure. I don’t want to have that with him any more, but I think the memory of how good it was before he left is hard to shift. We both feel the same, it is different now. But I don’t understand if that is the case why it is floating around in my head so much and confusing me. I am usually very logical about these things.
I hate how much he confuses me, how much he is confused, how much worse it makes my sickness, I hate how my brain won’t just detach from the confusion. I don’t understand why this is causing me such a head fuck :/ excuse my French.
I feel like punching something, wailing hysterically, or doing something reckless with how much confusion this has created over something that in my head should be simple:
I know we should be friends.
I know things are nothing like they are before.
I know we are both going away again.
I know neither of us feel how we did before.
SO WHY WON’T MY BRAIN ACCEPT THIS. HATING THE HEAD FUCKING RIGHT NOW BIG TIME.